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| 12:03pm 09/04/2003 |
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mood:  tired
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you shut your mouth
how can you say i go about things the wrong way? |
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| 02:32pm 17/03/2003 |
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this is not enough. |
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| ::this is not enough:: |
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| 05:24pm 03/03/2003 |
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mood: drained music: i have tatu in my head.
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i can only think of a few things.
one: i think i'm in love with tatu.
two: i want chinese, very very badly.
three: this apathy rather sucks. illusion is so much shinier.
four: i think i should go home and actually play a video game. i've been all creating shit, and you know, i want to be not productive in totality. why? because i need a change.
i feel sucked dead. i'm so tempted to run. but, i've yet to find the balls in my life to actually do so.
i'm like certain drug addicts making excuses. i really am. i can sputter all i want. but am i strong enough?
hmm. well, i tried to do homework anyway. it's a shame all of that effort was for nothing. |
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| new.fucking.age |
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| 03:25pm 20/01/2003 |
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mood:  confused
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w00t. i found my class admit card, so now i officially have no reason to leave the house at all today!! =D
i also am *hella* pissed that i left my copy of house party in salisbury. why, you ask? because i can't install Unleashed with out it! grr. i am such a tard.
so what now? i'm going to stop mulling over the hole i think i just dug myself (come and ask if you wish, i might talk about it) and i'm going to finally start playing the halloween town level of kingdom hearts!!! i've only been waiting for this part since i started the game... and some 26 odd hours later... i can now play as jack, the pumpkin king!!!!! w00t!!!!!!!
see, and life is good again. i've got plenty of time to think, but not plenty of time to enjoy kingdom hearts. see? tis not escapism in harmful quantities. tis a damn good game!! =D |
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| i'm a lucid dreamer |
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| 08:14pm 27/12/2002 |
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sick sick sick.
what else is there to say?
new ways. new ways. everything leaves a bad taste in my mouth. |
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| 09:29pm 24/12/2002 |
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mood: becoming slowly music: my feet are cold.
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it's too late to ask for forgiveness in a lot of things. i know this. i'm accepting it as best as i can.
but it's not too late to learn and make things better in the future. giving up just means that things will never change. fighting for a future means you've earned what you've gotten.
i swear by this self-inflicted misery created by mutually self-inflicted alienation that i will change. there is not one damn reason why anyone should stagnate. fuck new years resolutions that never happen. this is my life and i will make it better! i refuse to live like this when i don't have to.
i'm still sorry, to all of you. to anyone that is reading this. but sorry changes nothing. so if you think enough of me to give me time and scream at me when i start to fall back, please, i can't tell you what it means. |
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| open |
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| 09:08pm 24/12/2002 |
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mood: raw music: ani difranco's letter to a john is in my head
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i'm sorry. i'm sorry with all of this 'psycho' messed up dependent bleeding little heart. i'm sorry
for becoming everything i said i would be.
for the cruel words i'd throw in my pain.
for not believing in you enough.
for taking every little confusion and question out on you.
for sucking you dead and still needing more.
for dropping my strength and using you as a crutch.
for not trusting you (as time went on).
for dragging you down with me.
for swearing i'd change and never pulling through.
for saying one thing and doing another.
for all the times i made you late.
for bringing up conversations that you never wanted to have.
for not growing up.
it's christmas eve and i've been keeping my eyes wide open to the world around me. not just today. today was just a day of too many truths that i wasn't prepared for. denial only creates alienation. i despise what i have become. but as humans, we have the power to change. now, comes the act of motion.
i've done this alone before. i can do it again. i feel fifteen because it's no different from than when i WAS fifteen.
how much can a human brain hold? how much can a person absorb at once? what defines a person is what they choose to focus on, and also, what they choose to omit. i know what i became. what do you wish to become? who do you wish to be?
if you could change the world with one small twist, what would you do? what's your favorite food? what matters the most to you? what makes you tick? have you ever tasted colors before and seen sounds? anyone... there's a living breathing world of fascination created by differences. tell me everything you want to say, anyone. give me a number or call me and talk or cry. there are so many of you who have let me into you world and i'd like to show you that it mattered to me.
spending money on things that take up space is not love or caring. opening your heart is caring. this is me, telling you, that i do care. |
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| one of them's not you |
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| 10:19pm 19/12/2002 |
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mood:  nostalgic music: patti smith ringing through my head
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wow. i rented all over me for the first time in ages. i sat there and knit, and cried like a baby to pissing in a river. <3 patti smith. all i could think about was kendra... sitting on her hardwood floor watching it, squealing over leisha (and me also squealing over pat briggs. YUM. i don't care how gay he is, he's so sexy.) i remember sophomore year in high school, when i wasted away to nothing. how james utterly consumed my life. that's when i learned how to throw myself into relationships to make my problems seem to disappear, and get really fucked when i'd relearn that they didn't go anywhere.
god, i love kendra so much. i miss her... i miss all the times we had... dancing in her room, screaming at each other for cuts, sitting on her roof staring at milton and the stars... i have a box full of stuff she made me when we went out. <3 i miss her more than anything.
i remember her tears over jamie... kendra used to be so much of my life. she was my sister and my best friend and my girlfriend... i miss all of those times. those memories are so golden to me... i almost wish i could be back there. life was something so NEW then. it was so beautiful despite my pain.
4 years and everything is so different now. i would have killed for this then but now i'm so bored. it's all such a drab shade of grey.
old habits die hard. nothing is truer. |
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| 01:38pm 17/12/2002 |
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mood: naked and cold =P music: skinny puppy- addiction (kmfdm mix)
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sometimes escape isn't the issue. sometimes there's no way out and you just gotta deal and sludge through the shit. it's better than falling in it, after all! sometimes to fix a problem, all you have to do is walk back... and start again.
i find myself being pulled back in time in terms of emotion. it has the funniest sucking feeling in the center of my chest. (and though i think too much, i still write LOUSY sociology papers. heh. i did so bad in that class because i just cannot formulate a good, flowing paper... not on those subjects...)
in said paper, i explained in sociological egoistic terms why AIPH kids think UARTS kids are snobby, and how UARTS kids actually are and why they are the way they are in comparision with the AIPH kids. you know what's so beautiful about that? it actually FIT WITH THE ASSIGNMENT. =P uarts kids aren't snobby. we're just overworked, undersocialized, egoistic little beasts.
(egoism- the state of mind where you have little to no attachments to the world around you, due to everything revolving around yourself.)
knowing my own stupidity, i'm overlapping the definitions of anomie and egoism. but that's okay.
so. what was my point? oh. i think i wanted this time period to come for so long and now that it's here, i realize that it SUCKS. i'm (almost) free from school. but i'm in the painful process of detatching myself from some things that i threw myself into. scraping oneself off of a metaphorical brick wall is of course, never fun.
but the point is that i'm actually doing something this time. in all of my bitterness and disillusionment and self-induced propaganda, i'm doing something.
maybe this time it'll work. (maybe one day, she'll be her own.)
does anyone want company over the next month? i REALLYYYYY don't want to be stuck in rehoboth....... that is drama that i SO don't need. |
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| x post |
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| 04:52pm 22/11/2002 |
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Way to go Mr Microphone
Show us all what you don't know
Centuries secret societies
He's our commander still
Space Dog
So sure we were on something
Your feet are finally on the ground he said
So sure we were on something
Your feet are just on the ground girl
Rain and snow
Our engines have been receiving your eager call
There's Colonel Dirtyfishydishcloth
He'll distract her good
Don't worry so
And to the one you thought was on your side
She can't understand
She truly believes the lies
Lemon Pie
He's coming through
Our commander still Space Dog
Lines secure Space Dog
Deck the halls
I'm young again
I'm [you] again
Racing turtles
The grapefruit is winning
Seems i keep getting this story twisted
So where's Neil when you need him
Deck the halls
It's you again
It's you again
Somewhere someone must know the ending
Is she still pissing in the river now
Heard she's gone
Moved into a trailer park
So sure we were on something
[so sure those girls now are in the Navy]
Your feet finally on the ground he said
[those bombs our friends can't even hurt you now]
So sure we were on something
[and hold those tears cause they're still on your side]
You feet just on the ground girl
[don't hear the dogs barking]
So sure we were on something
[don't say you know we've gone Andromeda]
Your feet finally on the ground he said
[stood with those girls before]
So sure we were on something
[the hair in pairs it just got nasty]
Your feet are just on the ground
[and now those girls are gone] |
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| 08:07am 12/11/2002 |
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mood:  pissed off music: gary numan- i don't believe
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noelle not here.
noelle gone.
if you don't know, go fuck yourselves. |
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| i don't believe in love and i don't believe in you and i don't believe in anything |
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| 09:55pm 11/11/2002 |
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mood:  anxious music: hahaha. gary numan- i don't believe
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aww, fuck. i just got halfway through a trip report from friday and i accidently hit some buttons and it disappeared. FUCK YOU, keyboard!!!
okay.
highlights:
browsing liberty place, and finding manson's watercolor.
walking along broad street while out of my mind.
tripping the fuck out while on south street. i recall walking by countless cops absolutely terrified.
watching tori with shawnee. *bliss* tori + hallucinogens = HEAVEN.
finding my (blank) wall to be more interesting than yellow submarine.
jakob making the background for my computer which quotes me: "noelle says: the ceiling tastes like watermelon!" (and, it really did at the time. keep in mind i was lying down, LOOKING at the ceiling.)
making the cd "robo ago go". this was jakob's doing, but i recall how we got more and more wasted as it played along. hahaha.
somehow, taking those awful pictures. you should see the expressions on my face. good god, was that really me? hahahaa...
all the shit i talked. "I AM THE FUCKMASTER!!" awww man, jakob and jeremy know more about my sex life now than they EVER wanted to know.
the fact that i did not once vomit. woohoo!
jakob and i totally bonding.
my utter lack of robo itch. woohoo!
.....as i completely lost track of reality, my memory gets hazy.
i DO remember asking kat on a date, and something about doing it up the butt, and the fact that i sent a completely wasted topless pic of me to her. wow.
i recall asking a million times to watch yellow submarine, forgetting that i had already done that and hated it.
somehow it evolved into me and jakob lying on the bed and jeremy on the stairs, and a few hour long episode of monty python. it was so surreal. i don't recall most of it but it was just.. too much. i got up and wrote down "the amish matrix".
at this point i was just... off in another world. i've never hallucinated like this before. i recall exclaiming that i was existing as a piece of paper. i also recall saying "i am a jellyfish and i'm becoming one with my tentacles".
i think i tried to attack jeremy cause i wanted to play with his hair.
i started talking to the dresser.
jeremy fell down the stairs and i laughed sooooo hard. i'm mean. =P
oh god, what else? i don't even know. i just recall the visuals and i couldn't begin to put them into words. it was so fucking amazing.
.....
then came the breakdown.
i didn't think i was going to make it through that. it's what is called seratonin syndrome, and it's no fun at all.
but i made it through with a lot of new revelations.
so that is that.
in other news, i'm sure i'm going to fail art history. i don't want to talk about it.
i was also cheered up by the ever so sweet and sexy ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) synapse. you brought my whole day up, so thank you muchly. :) someday if you're ever in the philadelphia area, call me and i'll gladly... come and meet you.. ;)
and i have a paper to write that i have been procrastinating on... so let me to that.
one more thing.
call out the motherfucking dogs. |
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| 09:56am 11/11/2002 |
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mood:  hyper
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i should be working. i'm not. you know why? because everyone's got the damn hammers and stakes and WON'T RELINQUISH THEM. i was the first one hammering damnit! rod taught me how to ACTUALLY raise and i wanna do it!! grrr.
so i'm down here. waiting. thinking.
i woke up today MOTIVATED. i wanna clean. i got out of bed for once and showered and left and yeah. i have a test to cheat on today. you're real good at that aren't ya girl? blah. i just wanna get through it.
props for self-medication in a GOOD way.
minuses for the growing little spark of bitterness.
my mind is clear and flowing with real poetry. it's been a good morning. i've been friendly, talking to people. it's nice. i'm being social again. i'm WORKING. i'm learning. and fuck it, damnit, i'm happy.
i'm scarlet and this is my walk. *cheese*
((i'm not... i'm not... i'm not... un..happy...))
coffee and cigarettes:: breakfast of champions. bwaaaaaaaaa i woke up and i found myself in this life that somehow snuck up on me. i have this and this and this to get a handle on. funny how i let it all broadside me... and funny how i'm taking it all in stride instead of panicking! i'm so proud of me.
**gossipgossipgossip** uhmmmmmm that coffee hit me too quick. last night was great, me and dommy got chinese and stuffed our faces and caught up on dramatic stuff. she's promoting my badness! i DIDN'T have intentions but now i do cause my body is telling me to and i've got nothing to lose, nope... hey piggy pig pig... whatever.
i'm tired. i have this oogie spark of discontent remaining in the now blank fields of my head. i think it might be... disgust.
throwing myself into my work like i've done every time before. art always becomes the love of my life. when i was getting over jer, i'd work in the ceramics labs for HOURS. i mean i'd stay ALL NIGHT. and life was good.
until i'd go back and screw him again. blah.
(when you gunna make up your mind..?)
that pack of cigarettes is nearly gone. i refuse to buy another.
======================================
for those that didn't know. drama is over now. she left. she's gone. (marla not here, marla GONE.)
(unless they were humping, marla and tyler were never in the same room.)
heh. umm. that actually IS random.
TKK on thursday and tori on friday. i have begun HELL WEEK. and i'm TOO JITTERY BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANYAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
shit.
hahaha... that is all. |
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| what do you plan to do with all your stories? |
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| 02:18pm 10/11/2002 |
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mood:  calm music: tori amos- scarlet's walk
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i took a lot of lithium today and i feel pretty good. i feel my head pulling itself together. it's a nice change. i'm talking to my mother about a lot of problems... i normally blow them off and pretend everything is okay, hoping that it will actually become that way.
holy shit, i love it when i feel normal :) the stability makes me HAPPY. indeed. :) and it's not artificial. i'm not used to this whole 'sanity' thing. of course, it's only been in place for a few hours... but it's nice.
my mother suggested therapy. i don't really think i need someone else to analyze me, because i do enough of that myself. i more need a view on what can help me, especially chemically. i think that's where the problem lays- outside of my own hands.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
last night was so wonderful! jeremy and i went to dommy's dorm along with jakob, and we made peanut-butter-and-chocolate chip pancakes, along with jakob's bizarre fried eggs, and some spinach dip and snickers crunch bars... mmm, overfed... it was so peaceful... along with the soundtrack of dommy's wonderfully angelic voice. :) i was sooooo tired that i fell asleep and drooled on dommy's floor. oops. heh.
today i walked to hagstoz but it was closed, of course. =P good thing i have a tiny bit of time before i need those supplies. then, i went walking with jeremy and eric so he could do his filming. it was so lovely outside and nice to take a walk like that.
hehehe dommy gave me a makeover last night and i looked like a faerie. i felt like a water faerie.. until i started sleeping.
i'm still tired. i have quite a lot to recover from. being delirium took a lot out of me!
i have some phone calls to make and then a few things to do with the rest of my day... it's only 2 pm so i have quite a bit more time to fill :)
--yay for crossposting--
i miss him horrendously. |
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| valley of the dolls is the valley of the dead. |
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| 03:56pm 09/11/2002 |
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mood:  weird
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i've decided on a lot of changes... a lot of feasibilites... i'm stopping thinking and starting to DO things now.
i don't think i'm in any state to be hammering though... not yet... where is my determination? i'm worried for my own health. i decided i'd hammer for at least 2 more hours and then see what i can do to relax. tomorrow i should definitely be able to pick up on work.
(yeah, i stepped back from the edge. i'm going to look into a new doctor, too, and see about this new medicine they came up with for manic depression. lithium isn't working AT ALL, and i really do want some help right about now.)
funny, i say this every day, don't i? i'm not really sad unless i think of him because i miss him and i really want to talk to him now that i stepped back and *stopped* thinking about things. i'm stressed because of school but i found my motivation again and i'm back in the swing of being an art student instead of being a self-made crazy person.
....last night, i saw one of manson's watercolors. it's hanging in the liberty place mall, in a gallery of rock and roll art. it was such a lovely treasure that me and shawnee stumbled upon. i made a vow to go to more galleries/museums/art openings.
(noellekon is tired and wants to sleep and eat and play ffx like a good little lazy beast.)
oh, did i mention i quit smoking?
this is the 5th day. yep yep.
that is all. =D |
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| 06:57am 09/11/2002 |
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i only have one question.
is it too late? |
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| 01:15pm 08/11/2002 |
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Not sayin'
not charmed at all
Not sayin'
that you weren't worth
the fall
And I was alone when
I knew it was real
Down the canyon
when I knew I had come
To the line
Through the dawn
To the light
To the turn
When you said
You could drive
all night
Drive all night
So I let Crazy
take a spin
Then I let Crazy
settle in
Kicked off my shoes
Shut reason out
He said "first let's just
unzip your religion
down"
Found that I
I craved at all
Saw me melt
into your
native shelter
Where you carved my
name
Paper tigers scare
and came
Alive
Through the dawn
To the light
To the turn
When you said
You could drive all night
all night
Drive all night
So I let Crazy
take a spin
Then I let Crazy
settle in
Kicked off my shoes
Shut reason out
He said "first let's just
unzip your religion
down"
So I let Crazy
pull me in
Then I let Crazy
take his spin
Kicked off my shoes
Shut reason out
He said "first let's just unzip
your religion down"
Heard that you were once
"Temptation's girl"
And as soon
as you have
rearranged the mess
in your head
He will show up looking
sane
perfectly sane
If I know Crazy |
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| look who's here, well well well... |
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| 12:00pm 07/11/2002 |
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mood: wired music: various tori songs in my head
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uhhhmmmm.... so i guess everyone had fun last night but me. that's what i get for being sick, oh well. *shrugs* i was a lonely little geek, and shit happens.
okay, so i'm bitter, so what???
more than anything, i'm haunted. WHAT THE FUCK was up with that dream last night? really, i mean... it was fucked up. i don't like this, what did i get myself into? i'm actually REALLY scared. yeah, it was that bad. cause it was REAL and completely relevant with my life. (except for the part where i exclaimed that i was going to get a boob job... uh... no.) but i even know where that part came from, and... fuck. i don't know what to do. well, there is nothing i CAN do, but i'm terrified.
a week. what will it come down to?
and why don't i believe anymore...? ((my fear is greater than my faith))
...just remember. this is all a purge of thoughts... in all actuality, i'm just spending the day working like a good little n0ellek0n... despite the weird feeling working its way around my guts and my mind, i'm actually fine.
just jittery. ((i feel like a skeleton bracelet, like weetzie in new york.))
ummm... i don't want to write anymore. i just want to start running and never stop... |
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